Family Secrets
by LKW
Summary: Cobra Commander dispatches Destro and the Baroness to stop a G.I. Joe factfinding mission. But will they find out something they really didn't want to know? Mild suggestiveness the only reason for T rating. Final chapter up!
1. Bad Morning

Hasbro and their authorized licencies own the G.I. Joe and Cobra characters.

All right. Finally starting another G.I. Joe story on here; another semi-goofy idea I've had for a little while. I finally finished writing out the first part, and decided to post it as a chapter. Might only end up being a two-chapter story, but …. Hope it amuses/entertains; feel free to let me know what you think. (By the way, I changed the ending to my other Joe story, "Bad Dream within a Dream", yesterday (6/25/05), although it's not listed as having been updated since March. If anyone is so inclined, you're welcome to check that out, too :) )

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"Oh, Zarana …" Destro murmured.

"'Oh, Zarana?'" repeated the angry voice which jarred the metal-headed terrorist into sudden awakeness.

"Wha? … Oh, Baroness," Destro managed. "Is it morning already?"

"' Oh, **Zarana**'?" the dark-haired woman said again, with menace.

"What?" Destro shifted uncomfortably. "Oh – the dream. No, my dear … I was saying '**_No_**, Zarana, get away from my – that thing…' I was dreaming that she was about to fool around with my … large, fast-action missile launcher, that's all. My dear?"

The Baroness was about to slap him … but, glaring at his stainless steel face, thought better of it.

"Hah! I _knew_ there was a reason I slept in this thing – " Destro began to gloat …

Until the Baroness punched him in his gut.

"Ow," he grumbled. "I have **got** to stop dreaming …."

Suddenly, a familiar, evil hiss came over the room's communication's console. "Faceless Evil to Four Eyes and Tin Head! Faceless Evil to Four Eyes and Tin Head!"

"Saved by the radio," the Baroness said darkly.

"And this morning gets better and better," Destro groaned. "Next time, I demand to choose the code names!" He stared at the console for a moment.

"Well?" the Baroness asked. "**I'm** not answering that!"

"Urg, very well …. 'Tin Head' … speaking," Destro said with distaste. "Activating security scramblers … now."

The picture screen activated, revealing Cobra Commander. "Greetings, Tin H – I mean, Destro."

"Have a care, Commander," Destro growled.

"Hey!" Cobra Commander replied. "I could have made your radio code-name 'Metal Head'."

"Touche," Destro conceded.

"Cobra Commander," the Baroness, who had put on her Cobra leathers while the two men had begun conversing, interjected, "is there a particular reason why you have contacted us so early in the day?"

"What, disturbed that I didn't allow the two of you to laze about all morning, like a pair of slovenly slackers?"

"We are not currently on assignment!" the Baroness snapped. "What we do on our own time – "

"ALL time is my time!" the Commander interrupted. "Your time, Destro's … and soon, the entire world's! Ha ha ha ha!"

"Heard THAT one before …" the Baroness muttered.

"The Baroness **does** have a legitimate question," Destro pointed out. "Why **are** you contacting us, Cobra Commander?"

"Oh. Well, I could have told you already, if you two hadn't babbled away …." Destro scowled underneath his mask. "Operatives of G.I. Joe have been spotted in Marseille."

"Hm …" Destro murmured.

"So?" the Baroness snapped. "We can't be the only Cobra operatives currently in France! Send someone not on sabbatical to deal with the G.I. Joe flunkies!"

"You are trying my patience, Baroness!" the mirror-faced leader replied. "I will send whomever I choose! I am Cobra Commander! Besides …" he added, with a hint of a smirk in his voice, "this mission may be of some … personal relevance. Intelligence indicates that the Joe team is digging into the past of a prominent member of the Cobra hierarchy. One with European background and an … annoying accent."

"What?" the Baroness asked. "Major Bludd is Australian – "

"That's not who he means," Destro winced.

"How DARE you call my accent annoying!" the Baroness cried, whirling at Destro.

"**I **didn't say it, **he** did – " Destro protested.

"But **you** knew what he meant!" the Baroness exclaimed.

"Look," Cobra Commander interjected, "I don't have time to deal with your domestic squabbles. When you're done bickering, Televiper Lewis will give you the exact location of your operation. Stop the Joes from digging up anything, and see if you can actually kill a couple of them off before I arrive. I won't hold my breath," he muttered to himself. "CO-BRA out!"

Destro shut off the communicator, and set about looking for his wrist rockets. Meanwhile, the Baroness continued venting.

"I'll bet ZARANA doesn't have an annoying accent!" she exclaimed.

"She can change her voice," Destro muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing, my dear." Destro put his hands to his helmet. It really was beginning to look like it was going to be a very bad day.


	2. A lot of redheads, a lot of fights

Okay. I was surprised to find out that it had been a month already since I posted the first chapter of this … when I checked about a month and a half ago. SORRY about that. I guess I've been busy with work, which gives me less time at home for things like writing …. Well, if anyone still cares – and thank you very much for the reviews. I'm glad I was able to amuse you guys – here's the next chapter. It was going to be the last chapter, but I realized that there was a bit of a natural break in the story; and, it's getting later, and I get up too early for my job, so I've decided to post what I've got. I know pretty well what I've got to left to do, so I should be putting up the conclusion in a day or two. Really, this time. Really:)

A couple of notes: My Zarana's probably not as Dreadnoky as the TV show version (not that my stuff is purely set in the TV universe, anyway. The Marvel comic is a huge influence – my Cobra Commander is much more the Larry Hama character); her character as given on her file card has gone into her depiction here. And, the four Americans on the street are from a movie my wife and Iwatch sometimes; I'm curious to see if anybody recognizes them.

Anyway … at last, Chapter 2!

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The streets of Marsailles. Despite Destro's misgivings, it was a very nice day, at least weather-wise. Birds were flying, the sun was shining, people walked the streets, a mime was plying his trade ….

And an obnoxious tourist was heckling him.

"Yo! Clown!" the loud and possibly drunken man yelled. "Hey! I'm talkin' to you! Yeah!"

The mime continued to try to escape his giant invisible box, with possibly the barest hint of a scowl on his otherwise masklike face.

"Woo! I'm a MIME!" the bozo hollered at anyone within earshot. "I got NO talent at all, so I dress up like a clown! No, a clown REJECT! Yer! That's low!"

The mime's hand appeared to be less steady.

"Waassa matter? Yer box in a earthquake? Haw!" The man was too oblivious to notice that the passersby found him annoying, not amusing. The mime's fist clenched.

"Stupid France, with your stupid mimes, and wine, and Towers … and … French! Yeh! And your stupid berets!" The man chuckled, looking to the crowd for support, not noticing that he wasn't getting any. "Yeah, yer a clown WANNA-BE in a wussy-ass BERET! Ooo –"

The mime was standing beside the heckler, as suddenly, swiftly, and silently as a ninja master.

"Huh?" the man asked in sheer stunned stupidity.

The mime attacked with blinding speed. The heckler went flying. The mime pressed his attack swiftly and powerfully. The silent warrior leaped on the heckler, pummelling him and then flipping him into the center of the street. The "mime" moved with the grace of an experienced warrior, a deadly master of combat long tutored in the art –

A ponytailed red-head emerged from a building across the street from the fracas.

"Flint!" Scarlett called. "Cut it out!"

"Uh?" the mime grunted. "Rrr." He dropped the unconscious heckler on the pavement, as the crowd began to disperse.

"See, Cooper?" a young brunette American in the crowd asked. "Aren't you glad you didn't try to beat up that mime?"

"Oh, gimmie a break, Jenny," the young red-headed man she was addressing replied. "Scotty got to beat up that robot guy!"

"Mieke!" the man in question said. The three walked off, following another young American man reading from a Frommer's guide.

Scarlett had joined Flint by now. Dialing for help for the beat-up heckler, she remarked, "Next time, Snake Eyes is definitely the mime." As if on cue, Snake Eyes appeared, wearing a Maitre d' outfit and one of his black masks.

"Nobody … insults berets," Flint spat, wiping the white make-up off of his face. "Er, I mean, France." Scarlett gave him a look. "And mimes." He finished cleaning off his face. "So, did we get anything out of this mission – other than me beating the beer out of this bozo?"

Remembering, Scarlett stood, pulling some documents out of her satchel. "OH yeah," she smirked. "Wait until you see what we found out about – "

"NOTHING!" a deep, somewhat Darth Vader-ish voice boomed. Gun fire, and a small rocket, launched towards the trio.

"Destro!" Scarlett cried, as Snake Eyes shoved everyone behind cover.

"What, does he think we were researching Seinfeld?" Flint asked, fishing a gun out of his pants leg.

"I think it doesn't matter WHAT you were researching, because you won't live to TELL G.I. Joe … G.I. Joe!" a heavily-accented female voice cried.

"The Baroness!" Scarlett said. "Now THAT's interesting …."

"Not really," Flint remarked, as the three continued firing in the direction of the incoming fire and the voices. "They go EVERYwhere together. How sad is that?"

"Uh-huh," Scarlett replied, giving him another look.

"I mean, they should have their own sitcom or something," Flint continued obliviously.

"Funny you should say that," Scarlett said, launching a crossbow bolt across the street. "What I've got in this folder could BE a sitcom plot … or maybe a soap opera," she added, looking down at the bundle of information they'd obtained.

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"Arg!" Destro cried. The explosion of Scarlett's crossbow bolt had separated him from the Baroness .. and torn a hole in his leather sleeve. "Stupid day," he grumbled. "My dear!" he called. "Are you all right?"

"Yes!" the Baroness called over. "Except I tripped over some unconscious idiot passed out in the street!" She fired a burst in the direction of the Joes. "I'll be better when our reinforcements get here!"

"Ask and you shall receive," a voice suddenly came from right behind Destro. He whirled around. An attractive woman, dressed as a tourist, in a t-shirt and shorts, with red hair, was standing behind him. It took Destro a second to recognize –

"Zarana!" Maybe this day wasn't all bad, Destro found himself thinking. "I nearly didn't recognize you with the darker hair! Quite … becoming!"

"Why, thank you, Destro," Zarana replied. "It's my natural color. I've been undercover here,"

"So I can see," Destro remarked. "Your outfit is very … nice…."

"YES?" the Baroness asked, appearing beside the two.

"Erm, as an effective disguise," he concluded.

"Oh, sure," the Baroness muttered.

"My dear, look!" Destro said. "Zarana is here! Perhaps – I had another psychic dream?" The thought of that distracted Destro as it sank in.

"You don't have psychic dreams," the Baroness replied in a tired, I've-told-you-this-a-hundred-times voice.

"You dreamed about me, Destro?" Zarana asked.

"I had that one about Mindbender!" Destro indignantly responded to his significant other.

"OH …" Zarana mumbled.

"No, not like that," Destro said.

"Like WHAT?" the Baroness asked threateningly.

Another small explosion saved Destro from this conversation. The trio duckeddown betterbehind cover.

Zarana began firing a pocket-book sized gun at the Joes. "I've been tracking down this group of Joes," she began.

"Oh, good job!" The Baroness retorted.

"Hey, who do you think sent the tip for you to come here, sweetie?" Zarana asked. "I would've been here sooner – " she paused as she swung her head around the wall – "but I couldn't get a taxi over here!"

The Baroness and Destro exchanged a knowing look. "Been skipping the tips again, have we, my dear?" Baroness asked.

"Hey, it's MY money – " Zarana began to reply … until she saw the point of a nearly Hitori Hanzoly-impressive sword out of the corner of her eye.

"What – " Destro began. The crossbow by his side silenced him.

"How?" the Baroness asked, as a flurry of gunfire continued from across the street.

"Oh, Flint's still over there," Scarlett explained with a smile. "He's plenty gun-happy enough to put up a big pile of firefight for us – " A grenade blew up a dumpster about ten feet away. "A little TOO happy," Scarlett muttered. "HEY! FLINT! We're OVER here!" Snake Eyes just shook his head tiredly.

"Anyway," Scarlett resumed after the gunfire slowed a little, "Ram-bozo puts up enough gunfire for two or three people, while we stealthy types make our way around both sides of you. Of course, you all seemed a little distracted, anyway."

"Am not!" Destro replied just a little too quickly and defensively.

"Rrr … " the Baroness growled. "So you HAVE us, G.I. Joe. So I guess you can get away with your stolen secrets … for now. It won't take us long to figure out what it is you discovered, though!" she proclaimed defiantly.

"Won't have to," Scarlett replied. She extended her arm out, file folder in hand. "We're going to show it to you."

"What?" the three Cobras asked in unified confusion.


	3. Major Trauma!

Well, here it is – took more than a couple of days; but not two plus months this time, so I did a little better this time– the conclusion to "Family Secrets". At least one of you is on somewhat the right track about what the secret is - thank you, everyone, for your reviews! - ;but I hope that it surprises and, of course, amuses.

A couple of notes: I had thought that I had said this earlier, but the stuff about Destro's dreams refers back to my "A Bad Dream within a Dream" story. Really, anything you need to know aboutthis is related within this story, but if you wondered what he was talking about, there it is. Also, to clearly give credit where due, part of the initial reaction to the revelation of the secret is directly inspired by a certain scene in "The Empire Strikes Back" ….

Without further ado – the startling (?) conclusion!

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"Here," Scarlett said. "Read the file."

"What?" the three captured Cobras asked again.

"Read. The file."

Destro, Zarana, and the Baroness looked at each other.

"This must be a trick," Destro said.

"It's poisoned!" the Baroness declared. "The file's poisoned!"

"It is not poisoned!" Scarlett replied annoyedly.

"Is it hypnotic?" Zarana asked with concern.

"IT'S NOT HYPNOTIC!" Scarlett proclaimed exasperatedly. Snake Eyes' head tilted back as though he were rolling his eyes.

"No – but it is mine!" Cobra Commander's voice suddenly declared.

The Commander arrived in the turret of a HISS tank, flanked by two other HISSes. Flint was in front of the group, hands behind his head.

"Commander!" the Baroness exclaimed, actually glad to see him.

"You're using the new HISS Mark VII?" Destro noted with some surprise.

"How can you tell?" Scarlett asked.

"Yeah, they all look the same to me," Flint added. "Well, except the HISS II, maybe.…"

"Blind fool!" Cobra Commander exclaimed. "Can you not see the dark royal purple detailing? And listen to the majesty of my sound system!" The driver turned up the volume on the radio, briefly blaring "Cult of Personality" by Living Colour out onto the street.

"Yes! The sound system works!" Destro exclaimed, pumping his fist "What?" he asked in reply to the stares. "I take pride in my work."

"And I take pride in capturing Joes," the Commander replied. "Now, what shall I do with my prisoners, who had the three of you so totally defeated?" CC continued smirkingly.

Dr. Mindbender's annoying voice came from the HISS' rear platform. "Oo, don't shoot them, Cobra Commander!" he cried. "Let me use them for my experiments! I can brainwash them for information! Extract their DNA to create super soldiers!"

"… None of that," Cobra Commander said no-nonsensedly.

"Okay – then let me try new dental procedures on them!"

"Well, okay," the Commander acquiesced.

Flint winced. "Doesn't that violate the Geneva Convention?" Scarlett asked.

"Guess what – I don't care! Ha ha ha ha!" Cobra Commander exclaimed. "However – I do care aboutwhat's in that bundle! Hand it over!"

"They were going to give it to us anyway, Commander," the Baroness said.

"Which is why I will read it first, to determine if it is fit for your … four eyes or not!" the Commander declared. The Baroness scowled.

"It isn't about you – it's none of your business," Scarlett stalled.

"**Everything** is my business!" the Commander proclaimed. "Including … what is that noise?"

Cobra Commander referred to the "helicop-helicop" noise coming from above and behind him. Before he could turn around, he got the answer … in the form of a "Yo Joe!"

Snake Eyes, Scarlett, and Flint lit out for the other side of the street, site of the incoming Joes' landing zone. Cover fire was provided by two Tomahawk copters, and the cannon of the object they were placing onto the street, the Transportable Tactical Battle Platform.

Hawk reached out a hand to Scarlett as she climbed up the platform's side ladder. "Thanks for the timely rescue, General!"

"My pleasure, Scarlett!" Hawk replied. He hauled Flint up next.

"Yeah, thanks, boss!" Flint said. "Now, where are the guns?" He jumped into the Platform's armory, as Snake Eyes flipped up onto the Platform and manned the missile emplacement. Shells flew overhead as the HISS group opened fire on the mini-base.

"Are we sure that bringing the Transportable Tactical Battle Platform to the streets of Marsailles was a good idea?" Scarlett asked, as large holes were blown in the street.

"Well, we needed to put a base into place swiftly," Hawk responded. "It seemed like a better idea than the Mobile Command Center!"

"True," Scarlett conceeded, wincing at the thought.

"And we hardly ever get to use the Transportable Tactical Battle Platform," Hawk continued, "and it's cool!"

"Speaking of cool, who's the redheaded Cobra babe in the shorts?" Clutch asked from the platform's control section.

"Zarana," Scarlett answered.

"Wow, maybe you've got some competition in the flame-haired hottie department, huh?" Clutch grinned.

Scarlett rolled her eyes boredly. "Why are you even here?"

"Yeah, that's a good question," Stalker, lowered onto the helipad from a departing Tomahawk, said.

"Well … I wanted to see France …" Clutch began.

"French women aren't going to fall for your lame pick-up lines either, Clutch," Scarlett said.

"You - younever know!" Clutch exclaimed defensively.

"Hey!" Flint cried. "Anybody notice we're in a firefight here?"

"Yes!" Destro exclaimed. "A fight I shall finish with my wrist rockets!"

One of the rockets impacted a corner of the platform, scorching it and chipping it a little.

"It'll take more than that to hurt the Transportable Tactical Battle Platform!" Hawk declared.

"Accursed Transportable Tactical Battle Platform!" Destro exclaimed, launching another rocket, which missed the Joes, instead blowing a hole in the wall of a nearby building.

"Co-bra!" Cobra Commander yelled. "Mount up! We'll run that Transportable Tactical Battle Platform right off the street!"

"They're charging the Transportable Tactical Battle Platform!" Flint yelled.

"I'm starting to see why we don't use the Transportable Tactical Battle Platform more often," Scarlett muttered.

"Yeah," Stalker said. "it could use one o' those clever acronyms!"

"Don't let them wreck the 'teeh … teeh …buh…puh'," Hawk tried. Snake Eyes shook his head.

"Hm …." Scarlett murmured. She flipped into the Battle Platform's control center, knocking Clutch out of the way.Grabbing a microphoneattached tothe communications console, she held the file folder over her head. "Hey!" her amplified voice called. "Blow us up and you won't get to see the folder!"

"Hold!" the Commander called. The HISSes stopped a short distance from the Platform.

"Here, Baroness!" Scarlett called. "Read it!"

"No … you read it to us!" the Baroness called, from the back of the second HISS.

"Yes – they could have doctored the file folder with hypnotic properties!" Dr. Mindbender declared.

"Oh, come on!" Stalker exclaimed.

"You're the one who's been feeding them that paranoid bunk?" Scarlett asked.

"It is not paranoid!" Mindbender yelled defensively. "I could do it … well, theoretically … someday …" he added.

"Actually, you might not want this broadcast over a loudspeaker either, Mindbender," Scarlett said, flipping through the folder, "since this folder concerns you, too!"

"What?" Dr. Mindbender, the Baroness, Destro, and Cobra Commander all cried.

"Impossible! I have no connection to this sorry little twit!" the Baroness proclaimed dismissively.

"And I have as little to do with this … arrogant woman as possible!" Dr. Mindbender, mindful that both the Baroness and Destro were armed, declared.

"Well, we did have to do some digging around – some people with connections had some secrets they didn't want found …. But, we've got all the documentation right here in this folder – in fact, I've got extra copies of everything if you want," Scarlett said, removing a small pile of paper from the file.

"Documentation of **what**?" the Baroness demanded. "And what does it have to do with Mindbender?"

"All right," Scarlett said. "Birth certificates, doctor examinations, adoption records, other buried matter regarding a child given up… Baroness … Dr. Mindbender – is your brother!"

"What?" the Baroness, Dr. Mindbender, Destro, Cobra Commander, and Zarana all yelled very incredulously.

"No," the Baroness moaned. "No …. That's not true! …That's IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Search these folders, you'll know it to be true!" Scarlett replied.

"NO, NO…!" the Baroness continued Luke Skywalker-ly.

"It … can't be!" Dr. Mindbender cried in confusion.

"Think about it," Scarlett said. "You have the same hair color – "

"Well, what hair you've got," Flint remarked with a smirk.

"The same ridiculous accent …" Scarlett continued.

"I have a completely different ridiculous accent!" Dr. Mindbender cried. "I mean – I don't have a ridiculous accent –"

"I do not have a ridiculous accent!" the Baroness exclaimed.

Destro's face would have reflected a dawning revelation … if it wasn't covered by a beryllium steel mask which reflected the shot-up street instead. "Good God … it's true," he said in a near whisper.

"No!" the Baroness, Mindbender, and Cobra Commander cried.

"How could this be?" the Baroness asked, her hands to her temples.

"What, your parents didn't tell you about the birds and the bees OR your little brother?" Zarana asked.

"Shut up!" the Baroness cried. "…And he's not my LITTLE brother!"

"Sure …" Zarana replied.

"I'm … European?" Dr. Mindbender asked.

"Why'd you think you had that accent?" Flint asked.

"Why's he wear a cape, a monocle, and no shirt?" Stalker replied.

"Ewww," the Baroness said, thinking about her new … brother's … fashion sense.

"If we ever got married … THAT would be my brother-in-law?" Destro asked repulsedly.

"We might get married? – We might NOT get married?" the Baroness asked, mind roller-coastering.

"I think my sister's hot?" the identity crisis-ridden Mindbender continued.

"You think that I'm attractive?" the Baroness began – before remembering the subject was: one, Dr. Mindbender; and, two, apparently her brother. She then resumed freaking out. "Ugh! Aaaaa!"

"How can this be?" Cobra Commander exclaimed. "Tomax and Xamot! Zartan, Zarana, and Zanzibar!"

"Zanzibar is NOT my brother!" Zarana exclaimed. " … Right?"

"Er … the one with the orange hair, who blends into everything," the Commander amended.

"Zandar!" Zarana exclaimed. "Whew …" she added.

"Why are all of my sycophants andbootlicks SIBLINGS?" Cobra Commander exclaimed, resuming his tirade. "Argh! It seems as though my only underlings who aren't related are Destro and Major Bludd … right?" he added, looking at Destro.

"NO," Destro said. "Impossible. …Then I'd really have a reason to shoot myself," he added quietly.

"Destro!" the Baroness cried. She was now clutching a pile of photocopied documents which the Joes had handed down to her. "I'm related to that freeeeeak!" she cried, running into Destro's arms. Destro had produced a hip flask from that weird lumpy shape on his right leg, and now took a large swig.

"My hot sister thinks that I'm a freak?" Mindbender asked. "I mean, my not-hot sister … I mean …." He aimlessly joined the other Cobras in stumbling onto the back platforms of the HISSes. The Baroness was too distressed to evennotice if Destropaid attention toZarana at this point or not; she did take a swig from his flask, though.

"Well, that worked out pretty well," Scarlett remarked.

"Yes! Good work, Scarlett!" Hawk complimented. "The information your group dug up has Cobra's high command completely discombobulated and in disarray!"

"You'll PAY for this, G.I. Joe!" Cobra Commander exclaimed as his HISS turned to follow the rest of his retreating forces, a Rattler flying overhead - along with the angry mutters of store owners emerging out onto the battle-damaged street - discouraging any immediate gunplay or pursuit. He shook his fist angrily as hecontinued, "I'm sending you all of their psychiatrist bills!"

"No!" Hawk exclaimed, dropping to his knees. "We're never going to have a budget surplus again, are we?"

"Sorry, man," Stalker said, patting Hawk consolingly on the shoulder as a store owner swatted Flint with a broom.


End file.
